Frozen · Beach

Not much to write with just a week gone by. But riding pillion with the wind and pollution in my face, listening to Dirty Diana on the way to watch Transformers, I had a brilliant realization.

Waiting to see Optimus Prime in action, the only thing I know about the Transformers, I had transformed into Optimus Pride. Defending myself with the feeble rule of an eye for an eye. He delayed, therefore I did. I let the strings of consideration go just to hang on to that of pride with my feet. Vain, wanting to fly high like a trapeze artist. As I swung with my feet firm on the bars, I looked for a hand to hold, arms reaching out for me but there were none.

Entering the darkness of a cinema hall icy with artificial air, I looked up to see Optimus Prime, powerful and humongous begging for the aid of mere human. Optimus Pride, as it hit me, the term, reminding me of compassion as a symbol of human entity. Of how my pride was begging me to aid it with my compassion. I was there thinking if it weren't for those two hours of the movie, he wouldn't be next to me at all. It was a string, a human string of trapeze artists, being flung around. At the interval, people talked, they bonded, reaching their arms out, helping one another swing with wee. But I hung on with nothing to hold on to but my pride. He delayed, therefore I did.

I hung for two hours, an hour later I was home, fed with speed and pollution but I still hung alone, giving up. But I didn't cry. Or scream for help but only hung my head in shame. In the shame of Optimus Pride. Pride is a horrible thing. With the ego boosts lately, Lady Jackson and a 4.02 rating on 5 for my new story, I felt like those were things I could hang on to. But In the end of the rat race, if there is no other rat by your side celebrating, if you're sitting alone in a bar drinking shot after shot talking to a fat bartender who's only giving you company so you pay him that heavy tip, then not to worry, you're not alone. You still have your pride. Your Optimus Pride and this movie will probably be worth watching, only up until the bad ending.  

The hustle and bustle is slowly fading. Yet, I can't get over the fact that the king is dead. I was finally moved to tears on saturday. The same day I was moved enough to blog after 11 months.

The detox ended on Halloween. I was dressed like a frustrated 13 year old metalhead. A Rolling Stones t-shirt, messy hair, denim shorts, denim jacket, socks and sneakers. And the beer in hand, just had to be there. I remember feeling 13 even contemplating whether to order the beer and end the detox or just live it another day. And then the nervousness came, like the first time you buy condoms! It took me twenty mins of my inner voice saying "Just go order the damn beer" to actually walk up to the bar and get myself one.

Since then detox has been goodbye, unless ofcourse I'm broke or sick. Exam times came twice. The first time was just haphazard. I'd end up downing a pint at least and very unenthusiastically going through my books. It showed in my grades, studded with Cs and Ds. Eww! My last exams went better. I did have a pint or two the nights before but accompanied them with a game of pool. The nights in the new big haunted house (I swear to God it's haunted), I spent studying. I guess I owe it all to one lecturer who implied to me that I'm just a failure and that he'd shut my career down. I wanted my grades to kick his ass, and I guess with three Bs and two Cs, they kinda did. Glad to know I've moved up one step.

The music will go on. With more concerts and festivals. Even one time when my teammates called me Hitler and quit. Emotions have been on the rough road. Up and down. Sometimes nearly turning off that curb and going downhill. But I never hit the bottom enough to completely fall apart. Thanks to the music, thanks to the little street kids outside Fuel, thanks to the boys in Fuel, thanks to love, thanks to annoying roommates and thanks to the alcohol.

It's so hard to recollect every moment I wanted to write about but didn't get off my lazy ass to. I guess my anti-blog time also saw the long awaited emerging of maternal instincts. From dreams of me in the future with two children, Ricky and Norah to the sudden crave to talk to the little kids on the streets, buy them biscuits and at some point wanting to just take them home. My niece was born early this year. The first child of the next generations. We were no longer the kids. This reminds me of the time the youngest cousin of our generation visited home. She must have been 5. She would just lie down wherever she wanted to. In the middle of the living room, under the dining table, on the kitchen floor, next to the bathroom? And for some reason I always craved to do that. It looked like freedom and innocence, happiness. I have never really tried it! But I do remember finding sitting under the dining table very peaceful as a child.

Ever noticed how when MJ says 'Come on' it sounds like he's saying 'Chum on'. How random of me to just say that all of a sudden. Another random thing, I was once buying cigarettes at the shop outside Fuel. And this one guy tells me "Hey you look familiar, do I know you from somwhere?" I replied "There are 7 people in the world who look like me, so maybe you saw one of them." Everyone was in splits and the guy, annoyed, replied "Wow that's a cliched line!" I was only hoping my sense of humour had improved over 11 months. 

I just sent my colleagues an sms asking them to check my blog. They replied asking if they were on it. So I'm going to make them a special feature on my blog. :) MJ was primarily the reason I was moved to write. But I guess they are the ones who've been making me write for the past 2 weeks. My earlier post was because I can't believe MJ is dead and I'm going to miss him. This post is only because I really do miss writing. 

So well, It's surprising I'm up at 9 in the morning, but I actually woke up three hours ago, to the noises of honking trucks and noisy boys in a bus on the way back from Manipal. A great weekend filled with insomnia, red bulls, friends, catching up, packing, unpacking, labelling new keys and admiring a new cook!

Well, a short visit to a hill town university where I can say "I grew up" for a year in case I was referring to maturity. Hostel, college and greenery can teach you lessons in life no other places can. So I met up with old friends who got drunk while I sipped on non-alcoholic red bull.. And had some great music to go along with it. People breaking up, some hooking up, everything changed and I just go with the flow..

Got a new place.. One with a balcony that looks over the valley and in the distance you can see the sea. Especially when the sun glides towards the west, it throws light on the water making it shimmer, could almost here it say "Here I am". I spent most of my time at home, looking over the balcony just not getting enough of nature's blessing and struggling to spot a ship!.. Insomnia brought me a gift saturday night. Red Bull probably gifted me that insomnia! I should actually think sunday morning.. My housemate snored at 3.. I spent an hour labelling my keys - 6 in total! And then just on the phone admiring the queer looking creatures that Manipal's hotspot trait brought into my house, one with a neon green glowing bum! I couldn't sleep at all, so I paced up and down my balcony, keeping an alcoholic company so he wouldn't touch his quarter and ofcourse trying to convince a friend out of suicide.. I listened to music for a while, read up on saved messages and well, just hogged the sight of the valley..

As the light grew, I could see the faint coastline and St.Mary's Island. The garden began to get crowded with birds waking in the wee hours of a regular cloudy morning. Mist began to cover up the valley and in the distance I saw the clouds pouring down rain, looked like a shot right out of Twister. I looked up to see the clouds coming towards Manipal, slowly, deforming into different shapes and sizes, breaking away like mitosis. I waited and the twister got wider and now there were three of them, the clouds merging above me got thicker and darker. It got colder and I could smell the rain and watch it approach me wavering up the valley like a ghost.

It walked slowly towards me, I paused my music an put my camera on and started filming, watching as the three twisters joined together to form an army of cold raindrops one by one stepping closer like dominoes, like that Metallica video conquering everything in it's way. The trees swayed in the breeze. I felt breathless, I watched the rain come closer, like a sheet. Almost like I was walking motionlessly without moving my feet towards a window that was being spray washed with a hose. And it hit Manipal and like I was watching the tape run in a cassette player I watched sheets of rain drops past my building scaring the birds back to their nests. It was a ten minute spell and I felt like nature had just taken a skinny dip, stripping itself naked in front of me, breaking and showing me what a biology textbook failed to explain perfectly well back in 4th standard. I watched rain just come and go like God was literally showering blessing over nature, like he was watering plants. It was the most breathtaking moment I have had in contact with nature. And as the clouds departed into the rest of Manipal the valley's mist began to scarce out and lights came on, It was 6:30 AM. And as shuffle continued on my phone, the songs Stone Sour - Through Glass played. And i felt like my friend who sadly met his demise early this year was talking to me. And the songs that continued just spoke to me, every single word made sense!

How do you feel? That is the question
But I forget.. you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes
Initialized and folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You can't expect a bit of hope
So while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me

Cause I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

And then it was Pentagram's Voice that played after..

there’s a footstep in the clouds

and there is warmth in drops of rain
and there’s a meaning to the words i say

i need a voice now
come be my voice now
find me a voice now …. yeah

I found myself introspecting at the past two weeks where I had returned to who I was, who I wanted to be and who my friend made me. I smiled and made breakfast, knowing it would kill the insomnia and feed my now grumbling stomach and tired cells that exhilarated drowned in the message that the sea sent through rain and music.

As I sat and had one boiled egg and two cheese sandwiches I listened to Norah Jones - Come Away With Me on repeat waiting for my sister to call back so I could explain to her an experience that I'll take to my grandchildren (if I ever have any), magical like a fairy tale with a spiritual happy ending.

Call came and so did sleep, I woke up at two in the afternoon, got busy with lunch, cigarettes and packing which took unusually long. I interacted with a few juniors too and hurried my way to Twist to bid goodbye to friends and return home. Hugs and "wows" at my new Ricked tattoo (spelling error on purpose)! Nostalgia filled the atmosphere as we grooved and twisted to the tunes of Public Issue and Illuminatti, downing coke and packing idlis.. I took an auto to Udupi watching the roads like I'd see them again, like the future of my movie, edited by streaks of scanty rain drops and the occassional flinging of those annoying handles hung on the side of autorickshaws. The bus was late by 20 minutes.

15 mins into the journey I ate the idlis, popped my allergy tablet, and sleep came easy. I lived 15th day of my new non-alcoholic venture without a single withdrawal symptom. 9 hours of sleep and home to a dead noise-less Bangalore, I wait to see what's to happen, today's sweet sixteen, literally! Refreshed with monsoon's scent and breeze and hope to conquer next semester and peace to embark upon on my last 2 weeks of vacation.

Signing off with a picture of the valley! The valley I intend to find more answers in (only just as much to make life worth living) the next semester!

Well, 38 weeks ago I last posted about a musical in my life. And 38 weeks is long enough for things to change. Change, we hate it, we can't live with it, can't live without, we hate it and on some rare occasions, we love it.

Right now, I'd have to say love. Love branches out, like a slow animation in my head, from sepia to colour. Oh how I love Sepia. It's nostalgic, again reminds me of things the way they used to be before change came along.

I woke up this afternoon (set the alarm for 8 but woke up at 12), had last night's chinese food for lunch, a glass of juice, hung out at the virtual bar, had a glass of milk and biscuits. An hour later I exercised for two hours and stinky stinky went for a shower. (Nope, not rhyming on purpose, that's just how the words come out of my head!) After my shower I decided to look good for a change, so put on an all black kurta pyjama. And added a red, orange and green dupatta along with it.. Put on my hippie beads and some eye-liner, grabbed my phone and plugged it into my ears and took off to buy cigarettes. Now there's this tiny store (it's bloody small but wants to sell everything!!!) near my house where I buy smokes. Unfortunately, he didn't have my brand. Considering my throat was deteriorating I did not want to compromise AGAIN, so I decided to TRY and walk to the other store which is on the other end of the road but further down..

Arctic Monkeys and Bryan Adams kept me company.

Footnote: I THINK I suffer from a condition called autophobia, when I'm alone I begin to panic which is why I always compromised on the brand of cigarettes.

But today I was smelling good, looking good and feeling so happy that I did 10 extra stomach crunches that I walked to the shop further away and bought two packs of cigarettes (just in case!). I walked back towards my house telling myself "You're going home baby, nothing to worry about". But when I reached, I blindly walked past my house. I felt like all my energy was driven to my feet. And the cells in my body were talking to me "Walk, Walk, Walk". The songs changed, Mr.Brightside, Juke Box Blues, Tool and Lamb Of God! At the end of it I was at a junction. Right was to the vegetable store (Mum wanted vegetables, but I had no money), Behind me was home, Left was the roasted corn vendor. Something told me go left. As I took a left turn, it got dark. I stopped and turned around. Nobody was there, but my feet began to nudge me and said "Let's get mummy some corn". So I bought corn for 7 rupees (1 rupee tip for my courage!).

Instead of walking the same way back I took another left and took a longer route. Not one regret, not once did I turn around. Proudly with a smile ear to ear, laughing to myself talking, admiring my vibrant dupatta, singing (loudly, I think!) I walked back home.

When I reached my gate, my eyes went warm. For days I'd get drunk and cry over a disease, over the need to conquer it with the help of a stranger who would know all the answers from an encyclopedia that explained the mind. The mind, which is like a chemical that isn't even on the periodic table. It just differs from person to person. How can one book have all the answers to the over zillion chemicals that have no specific traits. Ask a chemistry teacher (my mom, if you must)!

If you can't get hold on of one, ask me! I think the chemical knows itself better than anyone. I might have a disease, but pills and other chemicals (people) are not gonna help me. Even so, I'd like to thank one doctor who helped me quit drinking (though it's only been 9 days), rather drove me to it. Cleared my chemical up.

Yet, all is subject to change and tomorrow is a new day, a new dress (I'm thinking blue), a new road, I'll pick longer and see and by longer, I wasn't talking about the dress.

The jam started only half an hour late at 3:30 with the arrival of first amp!! There was something wrong with the processor, so only one effect could be used.. Ted from Shillong studying in Wgsha was on lead, Varun on rhythm and Shastri (from Bangalore!!!!!) on bongos.. There were just playing random stuff that kickstarted the jam with some psychadelic massive attack/ radiohead kinda stuff!! Then people joined in and the covers began from Last Kiss to I will Survive to Sweet Monkey O' Mine and Every Rose Has It's Thong (LOL)! From spoofs it went to random rants accompanied with guitars!! Then came the second amp and a mike. Ted continued on guitars accompanied by Ricky on rhythm and a voice came from the bar. Vik, Canadian born confused desi on vocals! Put Russell Peters in Eight Mile and you get Vik, he was rapping like his usual self! Then Sam took on with Master of Puppets with Ashish and Goatee boy (forgot his name!) from MIT on guitars!! Then enter Norten, stud boy of MIC (my college), from then on it went on to some more Metallica, Maiden, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, The Doors and the Sutta song!! Ocassionally Priya from Wgsha would grab the mic and do solo with songs like More Than Words and Take It Easy! For a start, yes we don't have originals, mainly this time coz the MIC band was missing! But it was a good 5 hour jam, in the cramped Twist with an audience of about 50 people! Not bad for a start!!

So the new year came and there was no sign of an itch to write even though a lot happened. Maybe it was because I have been quite happy with the way things are going this year, for a change! When you're happy you sing! You don't write.. I've come to realize that I write when I'm sad, but that doesn't mean I need problems (Please God, don't get me wrong). But then I also write, when I'm introspective. Introspection in my belief comes with boredom. When your life's doing great, it's usually because you're occupied with something. You don't have time to think about what you're doing, whether it's right or wrong, it's consequences on your future, and other boring shit. You get home and you're so tired you wanna hit the sack or get drunk and hit the sack. No time to stare at the ceiling and play with the tassles of your blanket thinking "Where am I headed?".

But when you injure yourself bad and are forced to stay at home, your mum's place and watch tv all day, your idle mind can quite drive you crazy. So it's another uncomfortable visit to the pot. Trying to keep my wound off a wet footprint on the bathroom floor, I begin to think of how dependant I have become over the past few days. On one level, it makes me feel like a deranged patient, a survivor of a life threatening accident, being pushed around in a chair. The creaks as the chair pulls on the mosaic floor, the unwashed hair and bruises, makes it all seem like a scene right off some psychotic movie which was touching enough, but never got past Hallmark channel! But at the same time, the same creaks make me laugh, how it seemed absolutely stupid to both my mum and me as I was being pulled around in that stupid chair. And how my footwarmers would leap out of my foot whenever they wanted to! The same wounded leg reminds me of how God wants to remind you that in someone's eyes you're still a child for the rest of your life. Mom's warm statement before I took a shower in an easy chair, "If at some point you can't manage, don't be shy!". Reminds me of vaccines that doctors gave on my butt when I was much much younger and they'd say "Oh don't be shy!".

Accidents deliver a package. One little box coloured in shades or red or blue or green or brown, sometimes yellowish and sometimes all those colours. It's wrapped in a nice snowy white furry paper. That little box consists of pain, that pricking kind. Try getting your navel pierced, the moment of the ultimate pain? That multiplied by 3.65 all the time! Then there's a little time machine automatically timed to the time when you were ill and you couldn't go to school (as early as when you actually did like school). Along with that there are these coupons, "Soup & noodles anytime, anywhere!" , "Chocolate after dinner on one day", "Free hair wash if this card turns brown!", "unlimited tv and internet time" and my favourite, 7 coupons of "Claim your goodnight kiss!". Not to forget, there are the unmentioned benefits - friends visit, you get all the sympathy and last but not the least, scars that'll someday make a great cocktail evening story!

So there's the blood and tv. I recently got a new phone and it has this game, Forgotten Warrior! It's pretty stupid game, but it keeps me occupied and gives my hopping right leg a break! When I began this abstract, I decided to talk in general about the accident and how the pampering has made me feel young again! (Man I sound 40 now, don't I?) How life gives you signs of how it needs a bloody break and when you don't listen, it does anything to make you take one! But I've realized that I actually wanted to target a certain person, and on some level, I have. I was just telling a friend, online journals are challenging, you need to keep your secracy, write on two levels. One for the public, and one for yourself. You need to let go of everything you've been itching to say and at the same time censor it enough so your life's not completely out in the open. So this is to the forgotten worrier! You know who you are! And that wasn't a spelling mistake!

Hmmm.. So well, it's one of those days where I've had a pleasant time throughout the day but it still ends with this feeling where you curl yourself up inwards like an armadillo and think about unnecessary things. It's one of those silent calm nights when you start listening to absolutely droning songs like Porcelain by Red Hot Chili Peppers and your hands against the keyboard seem louder. Well, what am I thinking? Over the last three weeks I've changed. My best friend left, then followed two days of depression and disorientation, sleep interrupted by reality. And then an interview, then a job, and an opportunity to get out of the house, get off your ass and do something. I miss him. I miss him so much that I try and occupy myself with something all the time. If it's work, coffee with a friend, online poker or long phone conversations. It's a weird thing. Most people feel stronger with their closest ones around them. When people you know are in the audience, it's easier for you to do a stand-up act. Here it's the other way around, he said "God was waiting for me to leave" and I feel bad. Was I waiting for him to leave so I could finally get off my ass and try walking since my crutches were gone?

Man life sucks when you start thinking in reverse. Like a joke, Jingle Bells in reverse, you're intently listening and a horrifying image and chilling scream just freak the shit out of you. An amazing prank turns into the definition of life. Let me explain, most of us know or rather convince ourselves that life is an opportunity to leave an impression behind on this planet. We go about hunting down our dreams and being absolutely selfish. When we're in the spotlight for doing a good job or bribing one, we enjoy it. Well, basically we give. We contribute to the world in some way so we aren't forgotten. When we contribute in bare terms, we export our abilities. We look towards the outside, the world. But when you look inwards after a while, in my case, three weeks, there's a horrifying image. Atleast in my case, there is. I haven't met my friends in ages. I just got to hear from a close friend of the times I haven't spent with him. My greed to do aspire in my career has led me to let the people who got me there, down. And yes, there is the chilling scream stripping you to you naked, scanning you, selfish, greedy, selfcentered.

Okay that hurts. Really does. It's times like these I feel like I wanna run away or atleast sleep and find a frozen beach to lie on delicately and watch a cloudy sky, motionless. Everything absolute still. Stagnant. No clocks ticking. No plates moving. Nothing. It's just peace. The kind most of us would enjoy only when we die. One of those times you want to go into a world where all your senses are blocked. You're deaf, mute and blind. But you can feel.. That's peace. To feel serenity around you just suck the pain out of your life. So am I looking forward to death? Nope! I'm not. Coz I'm held back by my ambitions to go on and be the selfish, greedy, egocentric bitch that I can be only because it makes me feel important. The irony of life. You begin by contributing only to realize on the recieving end, it's still you. No act is selfless, you do it because it makes you happy. There you go my second lesson in life. The weird thing is they're not even lessons. They don't guide you. They just make it harder. They're like those anti-smoking campaigns. You know it's bad. You know that what they're telling you are consequences. It doesn't help you, makes you feel bad. But in the end doesn't really matter!

Aah the magic of alliteration. Dwelling Deep in Depression. The alliteration strains the strength of that sentence, making it milder than it actually should be. The beauty of the form of speech, takes the meaning out of anything. So well, I'm gonna make that Dwelling knee deep in hardcore depresion. There! Now I can get my meaning across, so here goes..

Let's see what's gone wrong. My best friend is leaving to the US for further studies. I should be happy for him. Yes, I am. But as selfish as a human being can get, there's this little man eating fish inside me eating bits of that happiness away as the date of his departure arrives. I keep living into the future weeks of how it's going to be without him around, flashes of postmemory of two days of tears and tantrums. It scares me. When you think you actually cannot live without someone, that whole image of you running an independent home in future crashes, shatters. It's hard when everything around you is bad news. The television channels are filled with bad news. Bombs in Israel, advertisements reminding us of 7/11, our city on red alert. Freedom Jam postponed. There's enough in the world to deal with, but no! Nobody gets off easy. Families breaking, best friends leaving, good friends lying, a closed door for a future and cautiousness pricking on you so you don't screw up again. And people calling you and rubbing it in like it's not in your face already. It's hard to keep a secretive live journal (especially when you go around publicising it!). It's hard to keep from people geting to know what a miserable life you're living. And then again comes comparision. There are people reading this (I'm guessing there are!) saying "You think that's bad you should see my life!" and some saying (hopefully!) "Thank heavens my life's not like that". For the appreciation of beauty, one requires a repulsive ugly face. If we didn't have the bad we'd never know the good. Nothing is good or bad, it's the mind that thinks it all! It's like the definition of dark. What is darkness?! The absence of light. Darkness is nothing but the negative of light. But light is light. It's kinda hard explaining this in writing, a challenge of a kind. Like Black and White. Black is the absence of colour. It's a negative definition. In logic one of the few most accepted negative definitions of this sort was an Orphan. An orphan is one who does not have parents. How else would you define an orphan?! So that's life. Something like an English literature paper. There is no right or wrong answer. It's all subjective. And in the end we blame the idea of an imaginary friend childish. Turning a block of wood into a caring, loyal, trustworthy individual is not childish, but pure genius! I wish I could go back to my innocent days, to an imaginary friend made of air, who looked like a mixture of Alladin's genie and Casper, whose name ideally was "Genie"! So there's Wordsworth's theory of innocence and experience. The higher your experience gets, the lower the innocence. The older you get, the younger you want to be. Wishing we were playing around in sandpits and jungle jims not worried about war and peace, love, career, education, marriage, family, kids, income tax, budget, bank passbooks and more. Life drains the life out of you. The dark circles, the grimness, the dent in your cheeks, side effects of a bad habit or just plain life?! Age defying creams, wigs, hair dye. Old age rocking chairs, story books and best of friends with your grand children? All Experience and Innocence. One of my guidelines in life. Defying this theory, no matter how hard you try, you still fall prey! Next time, Change is the only thing that's constant. Until then I sign off now, for you ponder over this lesson in life until the next one. If only I could practice what I preach. Aah fuck it! Life's a bitch, ain't it?!

Just back from an audition that went absolutely horrible. Sick! I am so disgusted with myself! Having done like a million radio shows before this I thought it would go well, apparently not! I don't get it, I do pretty much the same thing, except that before a RadioVeRVe show, I never script and most importantly, I never get nervous. But today I was a wreck, I started over many of the clips three to four times and sounded PATHETIC. I mean I sounded like a drabby newsreader of some shabby channel! Yeah so well, it's one of those times you're upset, as a consequence of your own SCREW-UP! Ringo starr got a finger stuck on his finger.. One of the few fucking shitty things I said.. WHY the FUCK wasn't I confident?! No wait, I was, I have been with a radio show. Apparently this time I wasn't! Maybe I was thinking of such consequences, what if I screw up?! And more so I was thinking of the people I had often let down and didn't want to let down! So what did I do?! Instead of aiming at beign confident, I was aiming at not letting people down! It's one of those weird things in life. You complain for 15 - 20 years of your life, you don't want to be like your mother. When you're 50, you step out of your shoes, take a look. Surprise! That's exactly who you are! We always turn into what we don't want to be. We always get the things we dont want. SUCKY WORLD! I am so disgusted with myself. My damn adrenalin! I sat on the chair all confident and started talking, within seconds, my voice was quivering, and voila! I'm talking crap. Well, it's not all bad news, I have to rehearse and go back. Rehearse on my emoting. But at the moment it feels like shit!

*People with low gross intake, please stop here!*

Yes, it feels like shit. Really like real loose shit, and you're right in the middle. Imagine like you're making shit wine. It stinks, it's slimy, gooey and sticky. And it's nauseating. The way it looks, so gross and brown. It's exactly what I feel like right now! Like I'm in a puddle of shit, somehow wading and bathing in it! Yes I know I'm disgusting, but I seriously do feel like that. And it sucks! I don't know what I'm more upset about, Screwing up because I was too nervous or letting my friends and family down. I am not sure, so now it's a two colour puddle of shit, say green and brown!

Feeling like shit isn't good, it leaves this ball like thing in your throat, making it hard to swallow. It's not physically there, but you can feel it. It's like a marble stuck in your throat, one which has it's own mind, running up and down as it wishes in it's own speed. And when a wind blows causing a wave in the puddle of shit, it comes running up. Real sick! The worst thing is you feel like you wanna bring the whole fucking house down. I said to myself on the way back looking at a hoarding "If I see radio one more time...". But it doesn't work that way, you want to but most often, you never. But that's one of my fears. Finding myself so upset with life that I'm sitting in one corner of the room, staring helplessly, crying hysterically. And drooling all over. It's a scary place to be. And it's one of my greatest fears. Especially the drooling and not to forget the kicking. Nothing in that room, nothing, tiles and walls. And you wanna just get rid of life by banging yourself to the walls but you're too scared. Sometimes, when things go drastically wrong I feel like I want to live my greatest fear, a form of my greatest fear. Sometimes I want to let it all go and retire in a mental asylum, left to myself, on medication with loads of time to think. No actions. No consequences. No sorrow. Sometimes I feel like to think like itself is mad, maybe it is. A lot traits in me make me think I might need therapy. My anger management for example. I am very short tempered and sometimes can be a terror. There's no stopping profanity! Instead of screaming I start whispering, a little bit of hair pulling and if I'm on the phone, well you should see my phone, it's taped up and well pretty ratty! So I may need therapy. But from the right therapist! Well, my sorrow has come down, the puddle of shit is receding. So I'm gonna go wash up and gather some "attitude" so my second round goes better! Okie I'm nervous already. Brr..

Three years of confinement in the state of Karnataka, minus one trip to Pune to visit my sister! The soul longing for the beach, still suffering with withdrawal symptoms since I left Chennai. This year I am making up for everything.. The year took off with a trip to Chennai with Krittika, just the two of us, we just couldn't get enough of the beaches. A free foot massage with love from nature! And the second trip was more historical than beachy. The twin temple towns of Belur and Halebid.. A good break from the city hustle took us back to the times when these intricately woven stone temples were built. Brilliant. Eye catching sculptures of Kali in different forms and amazingly detailed carvings of little dholaks, you could see the ridges in the thread and the fingers through the ropes of the drum, the music almost heard. So now we're off to the French town of Pondicherry, ironically because we all hate the French football team! So we leave tonight, spend two days in Pondicherry, two and half days in Mahabalipuram and head back to Pondy to catch Sec Sat @ Pondy and take a bus back. Most people wonder why we need two and a half days at Mahabalipuram, a small town known for it's Shore Temples. Well, there's another ten temples to see. And we'll probably take an hour for each knowing the history geeks we are! The best part about this trip is, it's a journey back into time. Two ways, one the land at the moment speaks of the French rule in the area, The Cholas and Pallavas and most importantly every school field trip in Chennai was to Mahabalipuram. Reading through the research material for the trip, many of the temples rekindled old candles in my Long Term Memory space. The tiger cave for example is vivid in my head now, something I had forgotten about. The weird structures of stone randomly strewn across, reminding some of nothing and some of the dental structure of a tiger. Climbing these structures as kids, acting like you're on a dental drag! The shore temples, the sea. Even if it's something absolutely different (Considering the over analysing bastards who'll tell me the water changes) it's still the same for me. The same cold water smashing against your feet sunk in hot sand. The contrast. The cool wind in contrast to scorching sun! It's peaceful with faint music of the temple drums and bells! I can't wait. The excitement has been coming in tides, and I can't go through this piece of writing without the several comparisons to nature. Something we all forget about living in the hustle and bustle of city life. I'm looking forward to staying in a cheap hotel, roughing it out, taking buses, going on foot and being complete aliens. The high lasts a long while as we meet up in coffee shops and discuss who hit which wave and who farted when!! Ha Ha! The best thing is we'll be in Pondicherry watching France vs. Portugal supporting the Portuguese among the majority of French fans! Well, will sign off for now, desperately lookign for a travel bag!! So Aurevoir peoples! As we're off to visit PondiCherry.. Pondy means Porn in slang, funny eh?! We're gonna be in Porn!! Ha Ha.. that's been cracking me up ever since all of it started! Ahem!

Oh well, it's just one of those days where you wanna write and you don't know what to write about. Smoking a cigarette, staring at the moth sitting on your comp monitor, it's transluscent wings making it a little tough to read 'Search' on the button to search for a site & username! With football rolling it's way through our television tubes, sleep-deficiency is common. Staying up till 2 beering with friends and then getting into a discussion about the present, past and very rarely, the future. You couldn't sleep till 2, as you had to watch The Da Vinci Code for the second time, just to admire and ogle at Silas' strong, intimidating character. And then 6 pm is not an hour you want to take a nap at so you decide to take a nap from 9 to 12:30 and return to the match. But dinner is surprisingly nice and you haven't solved the crossword. By 10:30 you're done with dinner and you have a smoke. A smoke leads to a few downloads and then half and hour of Orkutting and then you end up at live journal! At 12:20 you decide to prepare yourself to watch Argentina kick the aggressive dutch buttheads! Football Fever symptoms - Sleep-deficiency, little rivalry amongst friends and too much potty mouth for one month! Talking about potty mouth, watching Da Vinci Code for the second time, the movie drew my attention to the French words for shit and bastard. It's funny that words that mean excreta and an illegitimate child bring out smirks among viewers and all the more when in a foreign language. The first words you want to learn in a foreign language are the foul words. Futre Vouz was the first thing I learnt in French. The first thing we teach newcomers in Bangalore are Sule (Prostitute) and Nin Akkan (Your sister's or Fuck your sister)! It's a pity, coz those are the last things you wanna use on a daily basis. You want the auto to stop at your destination and you yell "Prostitute" and expect him to stop?? That's not all, some words sound extremely hilarious when you get down to their meanings. For example Shaata commonly used out of aggression, substituting "Ya Right" or "Balls", means pubic hair. When our good friend from Ghana learnt of it's meaning, he'd call every auto driver in town 'Pubic Hair'!! So there goes the whole double entendre the world has led us to. Suddenly no matter how many balls you're carrying, you just may not have the balls! Or you are just so uncomfortable admitting that you have an organ that's also a hen's husband! Well, that's the funny thing about the whole communication thing! It's just like, you're explaining something to a friend (especially over the phone) and you suddenly drop the question "Can you make out?" and the answer's like "Duh!" and you can't realize whether it's pun intended or not! Whatever it is, it's 12 and my friend's out watching Blair Witch Project all by himself while us, two bitches (female dog and derogatory term for a whore, though most often used in the context of a very mean, vampy woman), are sitting inside!

So Adios Amigo, Bon Swa, Spakiyono Nochyu, Guten Nacht, Goodnight!

It's been long since I penned down my thoughts and so much has happened. The World Cup season is here and everyone's out to support the strongest, most aggressive team in the standings, Brazil. And what do I do? I go Anti-Brazil, for the simple reason that they won last year. But it doesn't really matter who wins at the end of it, it's watching these matches together, trying to simulate actually being there! Whether it's beer, coke or a bunch of flags we plan to make for the Knock-Out Stage, all we're doing is trying to enjoy ourselves. Betting over coffees, having our very own mini club of just four members. While the other two want Brazil to win, I'd support anyone but Brazil and play my cards well, and the other guy is always supporting the losing team! A phone conversation last night led to an enlightenment. While the other two bet on the strongest team which is probably out to win this World Cup (Good Lord I hope not) the other guy is supporting the team he wants to support. I play safe, I know I'm going to lose when Brazil wins a match, but I'll still support the losing team! Here I see a marked difference, my friends don't support their teams, they bet on them knowing they'll win, making good decisions! I support. Looking really stupid, hoping Croatia can score a goal during injury time when they haven't been able to for 90 minutes. But at the end of it, who cares?! The taunts, the bitter taste of losing, even though you haven't really played lasts for a few minutes and for the next four years, it doesn't matter! What matters is that we had a good time one month, singing weird songs off Tamil movies after a goal and calling friends names and most definitely drinking all the beer and coke! Signing off with my support to any team but Brazil! Go Down Brazil!! Though Kaka is really really really cute! There! It's out.. After 2 days of shutting up about that one!

I had the most terrifying day yesterday! A horrifying version of the usual monthly disposals.. I could feel my insides peeling away, I'd say slowly, but they didn't feel very slow! Adding on a few more symptoms of PMS, I felt someone straining all my energy right out of me, it was almost like one of those anxiety attacks my friend keeps talking about! Weakness engulfing you from all the corners, deep heavy breaths, nausea and shivering on a summer afternoon, highly frightening! My mind was just thinking, "God why me??" And in the middle of it all, a male friend of mine humbly confesses "I don't get periods" I so wanted to gouch his eyeballs right out! Thinking of the worst attack of the killer virus of PMS, unevitable virus of PMS, Even the wee little bit of me that MIGHT have wanted to have a child one day died. I mean how awfully painful is that gonna be? Imagine something the size of a newborn baby coming out of the place you take a leak from, big time disgusting and ridiculously painful I suppose, So there I'm born! I am a girl on the way to being a woman. Woman - What an ugly word!! I mean it sounds so annoying, women sounds okay but woman! Woman like it's derived from ovary or ovule.. Don't see the connection do you? Well, I hate that word, so let's replace it with a W! So I'm a girl on the way to being a W! And I'll probably be one of those Ws who won't have a child, laughed at by the soceity, I'll adopt! It's funny how it sounds so easy for people to say they're going to adopt. It's surely the easy way out, no labour pain! And it's a good deed, like most girls who find childbirth absolutely disgusting, or something not worth all the pain, would go on and say "Why give birth to a new baby when there are thousand lying homeless?" My justification too actually! But with a good deed and the easy way out, the price you pay? In my society, a thousand questions and stories of infertility! What we think is wrong or right, good and bad, is actually not. Or it can be not! I remember a saying my English teacher in school once told me, nothing is good or bad, it's the mind that thinks it! One man's food is another man's poison! Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder! As abused as these sayings are they're yet so far from what we believe! The society works on majority, If 30 out of 31 think homosexuality is a sin, it is! Whereas if you apply those 'oh so common' sayings, that'd negate anything being a sin! Bringing up the status of murderers, rapists, thieves and the sort!! It's such a confusing world out there, the minute you tell them you're 20 and you're still stuck in first year, that too studying English, that too by correspondence, they immediately jump to a conclusion: Worthless, spoilt.. Who decides the ages at which one is supposed to finish studying or get married or have a baby! People don't realize that these are not rules, sexual orientation for example is a personal matter! It doesn't depend on society! Society - the word's alright but it's meaning makes me hate it! A gathering of dimwits who behave like rusting chains, one link rusts and the other follows! They're like weak cells in the body, a virus hits one, it spreads! Nobody wants to be a rebel, nobody wants to have no friends, nobody wants to be maligned! But society literally forces it upon you! The conclusion? Be yourself! You can't please the whole world! If the majority hates you, there's no guarantee the minority will like you! But nevertheless being yourself is the easy and comfortable way out! And unless you're comfortable doing what you're doing and being simple you, life will not be fruitful! The little lessons you learn from the evil!

Well, The Rudra concert went off well.. A lot better than I thought it would.. The show started off with opening band Black Earth (Nah, my friends didn't win!) who were really good and also did a cover of Rock You Like A Hurricane by Scorpions.. The long awaited Rudra began! And a few songs later, I had a slight muscle pull after being possessed by some major headbanging demon pulling me towards the ground like I was a puppet.. I held my pendant so it wouldn't dent my chin and got lost in the music!! Well, my muscle pulled then, like I said and my right side starting aching, apart from that I was a little too high on the music to even stand straight. That's side one of the cassette of my story of the concert.

Turn to the B Side:

I was visiting RNSIT college, where the concert was. It looks like a massive bathroom fitted with tiles everywhere, even the canteen which serves BLAND food.. And this was the college a good old friend of mine goes to!! And having fought recently I decided that I'd ignore him. But throughout my time at that college, I kept mistaking the most repulsive of people to be him. I had this nagging voice in my brain telling me cheekily "Come on!! We know you wanna meet him" and I thought to my more civilized mind.. And it was true I did want to meet him. So, in the middle of one song I turned around and grabbed my friend's hand and said "Let's go look for him" And I found him! Yes, this story does end happily. I was really surprised that he actually gave me a hug and it felt nice to know that my belief in angels was reconfirmed! We took a walk around the grounds and due to some chaos in the end I couldn't bid him goodbye! I do feel remorseful for that one pending hug! But nevertheless, I was glad things felt a little more normal in life.. I felt like I could see snowflakes in the midst of a hot summer night!

Put both the sides together and you have a great yet confusing album. Rudra comes once in 4 years, and I was so suprised with myself that I would actually leave a concert to take a walk with a person whom I was so mad at just hours before. And who's to blame for all this. The bloody nagging voice in my head. Well, it's definitely a he. And an overdramatic he!! He's always mimicking voices and acting too damn dramatic about everything. Talk about having an imaginary friend at the age of 20!! Well, this guy's not a friend. Feels like he's the evil conscience!! But no matter how evil he seems, he always seems right! It's like he is me.. He knows exactly what I want and the way I feel. As kiddish and imbecile as this post seems, yes it's true.. I do break myself up into these individuals, makes me feel saner. There's me and my two voices. One's my mind and the other the inner mind. And sometimes when i'm thinking about something I'm not supposed to think about. Like how funny it would be to braid someone's ear hair while I'm talking to someone about their problems (which can get really boring somtimes) I feel like maybe they can read my mind. So I'm guessing that's how the split of the mind and the inner mind came about! The mind is partly the truth of what you're thinking and may sometimes be forced to think of other more "ethical" things due to such situations. The inner mind is what thinks what you want to think, in my case, in a more dramatical fashion! You know my best friend tells me, I disprove the fact of women being multi-tasking, little did he know how futuristic my multi-tasking really is!!

Mind says "Hmmm... I need food "
Inner mind says "I don't feel like having a bath today!"

Get the picture??

Aah well, *yawn*!! You ever had one of those days where you tossed an turned till 4 and then slept till 5 thirty and couldn't sleep past that?! Yeah well, just one of those days, it'll probably set a record as the earliest post on my journal! But sleep is far away, now even though *yawwn* I'm real sleepy I can't get myself back to sleep as you know I gotta make my bed again and then if I sleep I won't wake too soon.. Maybe I'm up because of all the excitement.. My friends are playing at a competition today. The winner gets twelve thousand rupees but thats not what they want to win. The winner also gets to open for internationally known Vedic metal band, Rudra!! And I really want them to be the ones who would do that because they literally worship Rudra!! So it's one of those days when I really want something and am willing to spend about 5 minutes in the 'Pooja' room!! I'm not so religious usually, I believe faith can really do wonders, it's more of an act of desperation.. I really want this. And for me, going and lighting incense sticks and actually physically praying with folded hands is more of a ritual then a peace bringing activity. I pray silently to myself several times a day. But, I hardly ever bow to God! Well, this time I really want this. It's one of those times when you are right for that job or it's just the perfect time for a vacation or it's just the car you wanted. You know the Lord isn't really gonna do anything about my prayers, Yes, he does listen. But he isn't going to put some magical potion into one of the amplifiers or rub a spellbound cream onto one of the band members. It's upto those guys to do their best and get to open for Rudra. But, I still want to pray!! You know in this whole process of knowing that praying may not really help in you getting what you want, you tend to feel guilty that you're looking towards God for it. Say you have an interview, you know that it's up to what you do in there!! But, you still pray and in the process you doubt your own abilities of being able to get through that interview. It's that very feeling I'm feeling right now!! It's a mixture of Desire, more like desperate longing (my mum just came up with that superlative for desire), it's the only thing that matters to you, it's been ruining your sleep, your mood, you really want this, like the juiciest shrew in the farm! Along with desire, there's guilt. This is a band whom I really like, they've grown to be great friends, don't I trust them? I'm praying my head off and making wishes on stars and mail vans wishing you-know-what!! And in all this mishmash of feelings, I am excited. Yup!! Which is why I woke up at half past five, which is why I'm trying to keep myself awake though I have been dead only for an hour or so. And then I think, why would I want something I can't use so much?? It's such a boggling world out there, and then you have some people trying to explain things to you. There are answers, hidden, buried, mummified.. Then again there are people like me who don't need answers. What's the point in knowing the purpose of life? Say you were born with the fate to go to war but instead invented the most delicious burger that touched tongues. It's a tricky thing to actually ponder over or have an argument about this. Some people do it for fun. But say you were in the middle of one of those "fun" arguments and the answers popped out. Who's sure that the answers would do us good?? And if life this way is adventurous and worth being around for atleast 50 "alert" years, things are just fine! It's not about taking the easy way out really, it's just about sucking the marrow out of life!

Well well well!! If you haven't heard, Kannada film star and icon Dr. Raj Kumar passed away on 12th April 2006 at 1:50 pm suffering from a cardiac arrest. What followed remains unexplainable, as unexplainable as The Curse of The Tutankhamen Tomb or Roswell. Riots sprung in the city at sensitive areas, Reasons? Some say the confusion brought about by the implicit information about his funeral. Some say, well, they can't say much because there is not anymore! So there we were sitting up on the roof watching clouds of black smoke engulf the skyline smoking our cigarettes. Shops shut down and we managed to find a store with it's door slightly open. We were right in time for the last pack of wills and managed to scram in four kings too. It was a boring evening, we sat and watched black clouds and when it got too dark, sat spotting moving stars and contemplating what they might be! The evening ended with good home food and watching Contact on HBO! Nice movie minus the part she meets her dead father in outer space. Ashwin tells me I should read the novel to understand, and he also tells me it's about a million pages, so I'm still thinking about it! The night ended with hot chocolate and a cigarette and hesistance, reluctance to face the next day where we'd have to sit at home all day and keep ourselves busy with the television. Turns out the next day, we didn't have much television, just the news and Kannada channels. Yup and guess who's all over them?? Dr. Raj Kumar. I would never be able to say this aloud or even whisper it out here, but I've never watched his movies and have an apathetic reaction towards him. Even so, I sat and watched his entire funeral. We tried riding out onto the streets and ended up seeing burning tires as we fell off our bike due to a teeny weeny accident, Don't worry I'm fine! So we watched his funeral which was disgusting. I didn't feel grief at the news of his demise, I didn't feel grief when I watched his family shedding rivers by his corpse, I didn't feel grief when I watched older pictures of him flashing across the screen with the melancholic tune of the Shehnai playing at the back! I didn't. But when I saw the funeral of the only legend in my state held in such an indecent, disgusting manner, I was filled with grief. A man honourable enough to arouse a crowd of countless to not let go of him even after the mother earth did recieved such a unkempt farewell. I felt this little prick in me, and I still do when I think of it. You know the kind where you have to take a deep breath right after? I get motionless just to think that someone as respected as him was bid farewell so hasty, so nasty. Celebrity Worship is something I don't agree with, But I'll make myself okay with it. Worship turning to anger is something I don't understand. Anger at the Lord above? The loss of a great individual, an influential legend. But that anger turning to violence, that just crosses the line. A cadet killed by a mob and seven others during a police firing. Certain things itch you when they get away unexplainable. Certain things are left better off that way. So now everything's back to normal. Apart from the broken glass door at the coffee shop and a black stain of burning tires at the bus-stand, life seems alright again. But never again will such a riot, atleast for such a reason, happen again. The one and only legend is gone, hopefully he'll rest in peace, though thinking of the funeral, I wonder how! Prick, deep Breath!!

Serendipity, fortunate accidents, and a great movie. I first heard of it as one of the most difficult movies to act out in a game of Dumb Charades and then from a friend, who told me it was a must see. The first time I watched it, I was in a lighter mood and enjoyed it, but the second time was more of anticipation of a link to complete the chain. Jonathan and Sara, American and Brit, A reporter and a counseller meet during christmas! Two hours leaves such a scar in their minds that three years later they're still longing for that. Well, it ends happy as most romantic comedies do, but it leaves this little sting of hope in you which is nice. But at the same time, tends to scar you with an anticipation of a replica of the movie in your life. All of us wish that some day we would walk into a new work place or university or by the beach or on the sidewalk and dramatically bump into this hot guy (remember you think he's hot, others may not) and drop your papers and end up having a long fruitful conversation on a couple of coffees. The movie only adds oil to the fire and makes you want to make that dream real. It really stings when you dreamt when you were 16 of bumping into that "soulmate" at the age of 20 and now you're 20 and you're pushing it to 23. It's hard trying to rely on something that's so real but yet absolutely made up, like a perfect 3d painting. It's on a piece of paper and yet you feel like you can walk right through it. And it's still so unreal because well, it's just a painting! You know your mind works more at sleep, when you dream. Because when you're awake, the stage is set for you, you don't have to create a computer and then work on it. It's right there.. But the mind works more when you dream since you have to create light, the computer, it's shadow and then your fingers and body. And you ever noticed sometimes your haircolour or hairstyle is very different in a dream. I feel shorter in a dream than normal! That's probably because the guy I bumped into at the beach was about 6'4"! Ha! Life.. I hate that time between sleep we call consciousness, Reality is hard to swallow, it's harder to bite into, it's like what we call Ragi Mudde, literal translation Mustard Ball. It's this hard ball like thing made of a dough of mustard and you can't bite it coz it's too sticky and you have to swallow it which makes it a pain to eat it! So there goes, Life is a mustard ball (with some fortunate accidents)! The preference in brackets is optional.

Well, I got my navel pierced the day before yesterday.. It's hard getting used to a new piercing and before or after you get it done, you're thinking, is it really me?! I am over identity crisis, I so am! But, it's just this thing in my head that makes me think I'm someone else when I seem different. Like my hair for example, when I leave it loose I feel like someone else and when I tie it up I feel like someone else.. It's like these personalities lingering in my hair waiting to be set free. It's really annoying to feel that way. And I'm in constant worry if these changes in person that I feel actually affect my behaviour towards peoople. It's the same with clothes and earrings, anything that I change about my appearance, sometimes when I tie my hair leaving a fringe dangling, I feel masculine and I don't know why! It's the same with the piercing, you know? Now I feel a little more feminine than I usually do and it's kind of confusing because I'm most often a tomboy. Maybe I still gotta get used to it! But, I always wonder if it's a normal thing to feel different in different clothes and hairstyles! Maybe I have a psychological problem. You know when you're doing biology and you read about different diseases, you always think you may have one of those and check for symptoms? It's a psychological thing! And it's absolutely normal to think that something may be wrong with your brain or your body! Man I could go on writing gibberish for long, You know sometimes you just want to update your live journal but you have nothing to say? So you just let thoughts flow and then scroll up and disgust yourself with all the crap you wrote! Yeah I guess it's one of those times, so I'm not going to scroll up.. I'm just going to end it here so the gibberish doesn't continue..

I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo (Tell me about it!!) - Radiohead - Creep

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..

Man I love this song and I so love Janis Joplin.. I'm drowning in my dreams (What's new?), singing Me and Bobby McGee live at a Blues tribute, black trousers and a nice flashy red and black retro top to go with it, black messy curls streaked with red, a mic, some rocking and good ole blues. I wouldn't call myself a HUGE fan of Janis Joplin but I just love this song, the way she justs chews up parts of few words and let's the others drool right out!! It's like you have the song of the week or of the month, well, this was the song of my week, last week. Well, it's not now anymore because it's not cropped on my playlist, maybe it's Creep this time, by Radiohead. I've been cropping it lately, I just love the way he says "You're so fucking special" I mean I just wanna bite his lip when I hear him say that. So unlikely of me to even feel that way! Well, I think you pick your song of the week based on your most exciting download that week or maybe the mood song. Like I've been feeling like an abnormal individual (No, it's not identity crisis, just that time of the year when you look back!). Well I've been looking back, and I'm thinking I was crying my heart out, not the usual sniffing after Dead Poet's Society or after banging your head against the edge of the bed! But the crying where you feel like you're just letting your evaporating tears drain the shit out of your life. That has to be a metaphor because it only exists as a figure of speech, never really happens, though we all wish it would. It's like how my friend always tells me "I wish life had a refresh button". I mean imagine how pathetic that would be, we'd live our lives pressing that button everytime we wanted to correct our mistakes, we'd redo exams, relationships, food seeking perfection and never be satisfied. That's not all imagine criminals ending up in jail and restarting. The guy may have raped the woman and pressed restart and refreshed his life, but the woman still remains raped. But if the button restarted anything that associated the user's actions with it, that'd be more disastrous, a flawed husband could restart not wanting the child and the woman become non-pregnant again and the trauma would be unbearable! Well, it's like a viscious circle, and that's how life is man! You gotta live with nature the way it is. I believe there's nothing in this world that's impossible because when God puts a hurdle, he gives you the abilities to cross it!! But at the same time I find myself saying "I can't take this anymore! I'm moving out!" We're all possessed by Hipocracy. Hipocracy incarnates, nice name for a band, ain't it?

I'd trade all of my tomorrows for one single yesterday.. (Janis Joplin - Me and Bobby McGee)